but years from now, when my muscles and bones no longer work, i’d like to look back and recognize one generalized attempt to dance. i’m embarrassed just thinking about dancing — but regardless, i’m going to videotape the process.
when i was in high school i took up skateboarding. i couldn’t wait to be on a skateboard everyday after school, and it was the one thing that occupied my mind all day. the ability to visualize, with the anticipation of execution is what it means to be excited about something. to be excited about something for me now is to be excited about learning to dance.
as a young girl i wasn’t a very good dancer. i was round, and though i could easily remember the routines, i didn’t have grace or lightness. none of the midwesterners in the class had those qualities, but i was not encouraged to continue. i took up gymnastics, which i was also not encouraged to continue. but i did not lose the desire to learn movements involving precision and strength, even if i was not very good at it. i wasn’t very bad at it either, but there was a fearfulness that i took with me when commanding my body to leave the ground. with diving it was a fear of proximity. i’m not sure how it’s related. i was not encouraged to continue, as i mentioned. trampolines did not help; it was heartbreaking. i dreamt constantly about being a great gymnast. knowing that i could conceive of what a good gymnast was, and how much i wanted to do it, however, was not at all like actually becoming or doing the things that good gymnasts do. i remember studying the path to being a good gymnast — the levels and classes, but this was not the same as achieving any skills.
perhaps with dancing it is wider, and it will be different. when i have seen dancers dancing and adults living i find that dancing and other pursuits are just as accommodating of determination as of skill. one can dance without being a dancer.